That’s not necesarily the first gift of fat, but it is the first one I thought of.
I’m funny. I’m really funny. I’m not just a clown — although I can be. I am witty, sharp, silly and irreverant. I told a priest that the secret to a long and happy marriage is a well timed blowjob. (Well, it IS!)
Here’s how being fat MADE me funny.
There was a boy who lived down the street from me named Eddie W. He was mean. When we waited at the bus stop to be driven to Jefferson Junior High, he would sing his favorite polka: Roll out the Mary. He sang all the words:
“Roll out the Mary. . .Mary is Big and Fat. Roll out the Mary. . . Mary is really Fat. Roll out the Mary, Mary is really FAT. Now it’s time to roll out the Mary, because she’ll Roll on YOU!” (obviously Eddie W was not fat, because these words are not witty or particularly original).
As the target of these taunts, I had 2 choices:
1. Cry & say “Shut up!”
2. Accompany his song with my Air Tuba, singing “Oooom-pah, ooom-pah-pah, oooom-pah, ooom-pah-pah-pah”.
I chose option 2. And choosing option 2 made everyone laugh. Not AT me. WITH me. My favorite line in Funny Girl is when Ziegfield tells Fanny Brice that the audience was laughing at her, Fanny (Barbara Striesand) said: “Yes, but it’s MY joke.”
That’s just it. It’s MY joke.
If I really thought about it, I could come up with a million examples of where I turned teasing to my benefit. Hell, 35 years later, I’m starting to be grateful for the teasing. How else could I have sharpened my skills? Eddie W. was certainly not alone in teasing the fat girl. But I remember him.
One of the reasons I remember him is because he was killed when we were in our 30s. During my weekly call to my mom, she casually mentioned that he was in a car accident and had been killed.
Me: “Oh, what a shame”.
Mom: “Little Bastard, he had it coming to him. He was the one who used to sing ‘Roll out the Mary'”.
So Eddie. You couldn’t hurt me. But you hurt my mom. I have long since forgiven you. I am not so sure about Mom though.
Next time I’ll post about my Mom. I’ll tell you the advice she gave me that allows me to recognize the Gift of Fat.